


Pain is still a weakness, still afraid of ghosts.

by storiesthatmakeus



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Love, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Regret, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 04:21:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12161442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesthatmakeus/pseuds/storiesthatmakeus
Summary: It's all over, Robert's not a father, but when a terrifying chain of events at his place of sanctuary ends with him in the hospital, it may just be exactly what he needs to let go of his demons and find his way back to the people who love him.(This is a crap summary, sorry)





	Pain is still a weakness, still afraid of ghosts.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I got this idea watching Monday's episode where Robert mentions being depressed, and I just think it's heading towards him having a bit of a breakdown.  
> I'm a bit nervous about this one, and I don't claim to know anything about the counselling process, having never gone through it myself, so forgive me if it's not realistic.  
> I've used upcoming spoilers/speculation but tweaked it a bit to fit my timeline/story, and I've ignored this week's episodes really as I started this before everything happened...
> 
> Title comes from the song You're a Man Now Boy by Raleigh Ritchie.

_‘’Only light the match if you can handle the fire.’’_

 

Robert had never given much heed to his grandmother’s words of advice in the past, scoffing whenever she had said it to him. As a bitter, grieving teenager he had always retorted that Andy was the one who needed to hear that sage wisdom, and as he grew older, he had always been a man in control of every situation, the flames at his disposable whenever he needed them.

But now, as he sat on the dusty, hay-covered floor of the barn, the flames licking the walls, her words were the only ones in his head. As the black smoke slowly crept over him, clouding his vision and filling his lungs, he slowly lost consciousness, Vic’s screams echoing from outside.

 

‘’No.’’

‘’C’mon Aaron.’’

‘’Not a chance in hell are you getting a moped.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’After nearly killing Paddy with the quad bike while I was in France, do you really want me to give you a list?’’

‘’It’s not as though I’m asking you for the money am I? So really you can’t stop me.’’

The sight of Laurel bursting through the pub doors, face flushed and eyes wide stopped Aaron’s next retort.

‘’Laurel, what is it?’’ asked Diane from her seat as she rushed past her and stopped in front of Aaron and Liv.

‘’Aaron, you need to come now.’’

‘’What is it?’’

‘’It’s Robert.’’

‘’Sorry Laurel, I’m sure you mean well, but whatever he’s done, he’s not my concern anymore.’’ Aaron said, feigning an uninterested expression.

‘’Laurel?’’ Chas asked, appearing behind him. She glanced at Chas, then back at Aaron and Liv. Taking a breath, she spoke again.

‘’They think he’s tried to kill himself.’’

 

Aaron was frozen to the spot, the cold, hollow walls of Hotten general closing in on him as Liv paced rapidly back and forth outside Robert’s room. He was on the brink of telling her to pack it in when movement caught his eye, and a nurse appeared from Robert’s room. Diane, Vic, Chas, and Liv all crowded her as soon as she closed the door behind her, but he remained where he was.

‘’How is he?’’ Vic asked anxiously.

‘’He’s inhaled a lot of smoke, so we’re going to keep him in for observation. He’s very lucky, because he suffered no burns, just a minor sprain from getting you out, so that will make his recovery quicker.’’

‘’He was shot in the lung once, will that make things harder?’’ Diane asked.

‘’He’s been through it hasn’t he?’’ The nurse said kindly. ‘’It doesn’t seem to be affecting anything too much at the moment, but we will keep an eye on him.’’

‘’Is it true?’’ Liv asked quietly. ‘’Did he really try to kill himself?’’

Aaron felt Diane wince next to him at the question as they all waited apprehensively for the nurse to respond.

‘’I can’t answer that I’m afraid. He is suffering from exhaustion and dehydration, which may have affected his decisions and reactions during the fire, but we’ll know more when he speaks to a mental health liaison officer in the morning. That’s all I can tell you at the moment.’’

‘’Can we see him?’’ Vic asked.

‘’Like I said, he is extremely exhausted, and he needs his rest, but I can let one person in for a few minutes. Which one of you is…Liv?’’ she asked, looking down at her notes.

‘’He wants to see me?’’ She was floored; convinced he’d ask for her brother.

‘’He asked for you specifically.’’

‘’And no one else?’’ she asked, risking a quick glance at Aaron.

‘’Just you, but don’t be too long, he does need his rest. And I think the rest of you should head off. He’s stable now, but he’ll be more ready for visitors tomorrow.’’

Vic and Diane nodded, and they began to head off, but Chas hovered behind them.

‘’Love?’’

‘’I need to stay, wait for Liv.’’

‘’I can bring her home, if it’s too much.’’

‘’No mum, thank you but I need to stay for her.’’

Chas hugged him briefly but tightly and Aaron nodded for her to leave. Liv glanced at him nervously before opening the door to Robert’s room, and Aaron resisted the urge to watch from the window, the irrational stab of jealousy that Robert didn’t want to see him pulsing through his veins.

Liv cautiously pushed open the door and pushed down the gasp that threatened to escape at the sight of the man before her. The nurse was right: he looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes and his face looked sunken in, as though all the water had been sucked out of it. How had she not seen it before? How had anyone not seen it? Closing the door softly behind her, she slowly approached his bed.

‘’Hey.’’ He croaked out, his voice raspy.

‘’You didn’t have to try and set yourself on fire to get my attention Rob.’’

‘’I know, but when did we ever do anything the easy way?’’ he asked softly, and the faint twinkle of humour in his eyes was all it took. The tears sprang from her eyes and she wrapped her arms around him, sobbing quietly into his bed sheets.

‘’Hey, hey I’m alright Liv I promise.’’ He said softly as he stroked her hair.

‘’I was so scared when I heard.’’ She admitted.

‘’Hey, you can’t get rid of me that easily. Vic will back me up on that.’’

Liv itched to ask him the same question she had asked the nurse, but she bit her tongue. Instead, she risked a slightly safer topic.

‘’Why did you want to see me?’’ The _instead of Aaron_ went unspoken, but if Robert noticed, he played dumb.

‘’To say how sorry I am, for everything, for letting you down when it was just the two of us, for the stuff I said to you in front of Rebecca, for the brandy. I love you so much Liv, you’ll never know how sorry I am.’’ She could see the tears in his eyes as he said it, and she knew.

‘’Well I never really said sorry for almost getting you banged up last year or stealing your car, so we’re even now I guess.’’

‘’I guess so.’’ Robert let out a soft chuckle, but he began to cough and Liv jumped up to get him some water. He took a couple of sips, and then shuffled over on the bed, an arm outstretched to let her lie beside him.

‘’I don’t wanna hurt you.’ She said softly.

‘’Not possible.’’ He replied, and she crouched up beside him, tucked under his arm.

Aaron was alternating between pacing and sitting, glancing at his watch every few seconds as the time ticked agonisingly slowly by. What were they talking about in there? He deliberately avoided the window, desperate to avoid seeing them tear strips out of each other, but equally desperate not to see them getting on. He didn’t know which one would hurt more.

Eventually, his willpower caved, and he risked a peep through the window. His breath caught when he saw them: curled up against each other on Robert’s bed, both dozing peacefully. He felt his heart clench in his chest as he watched them, and the stab of jealousy returned.

Unable to take it any longer, he crept slowly into the room and shook Liv slowly on the shoulder. As her eyes flickered open, he placed a finger to his lips. She glanced at Robert, then gently eased herself off the bed and followed Aaron out the door, whispering a _bye Rob_ to him as she went.

As the door clicked softly behind them, Robert opened his eyes, staring after the departing presence of his ex-husband and their little sister. He tore his eyes from the door, shuffled deeper into the bed and waited for sleep to come.

 

_‘’What happened Vic?’’_

_‘’I don’t know…I don’t.’’ She was struggling, words failing her. ‘’Moira and Emma, the fire, we were all there. We tried to stop them; we all did, me, Adam. Finn was knocked out. Laurel tried to stop them, but she couldn’t and then Robert…’’_

_‘’How did Robert get there? Why on earth was he at Wiley’s barn today in the first place?’’_

_‘’I don’t know Diane, he’s gonna be okay though, isn’t he?’’_

 

The door creaked ominously as it slid open. Robert was fast asleep. That much was obvious from the way his nose wrinkled, something that only happened when he was dead to the world. His bedclothes were shoved down, and there were goosebumps on his arms where the lack of heat was most noticeable. Once the sheets were pulled gently back over him, the uncomfortable chair in the corner was dragged quietly ever so slightly closer to him, enough to catch the scent that was just so _Robert_ , even after the use of a sterile hospital shower and the change of clothes. Softly unfolding the spare blanket on the armrest, Aaron tucked himself under it, giving Robert one last look before he drifted off to sleep.

 

_‘’Robert, what are you doing here?’’_

_‘’Can you move Vic?’’_

_‘’No, I’m stuck, I’m trapped.’’_

_Vic’s cries were piercing his skin like a needle._

_‘’Okay Vic, we’ll get you out okay. Where’s Adam?’’_

_‘’I don’t know Rob, I’m scared.’’_

Robert awoke with a start, the smell of smoke still clouding his senses. For a moment he forgot where he was, but the soft hum of hospital machines and the smell of disinfectant cut through the remnants of fire in his brain and he realised he was in the hospital. He glanced quickly around, slightly puzzled by the proximity of the visitor chair to his bed and the rumpled blanket, but he quickly dismissed it.

He could see Vic and Diane outside his room, sharing concerned glances with the nurse and an older gentleman. Almost as though they felt his eyes on them, they all looked through the window at once. Leading the way, Vic pushed opened the door and came in.

‘’Morning. How’s my idiotic big brother today?’’ Her tone was light, but her eyes lacked their usual mischievous glint and her smile was too small.

‘’I’d be better if you weren’t all talking about me behind my back.’’

‘’Robert…’’ Diane started.

‘’I’m sorry Diane, I’m fine, just tired.’’

‘’Robert,’’ the nurse began. ‘’This is Keith. He works with the Mental Health Liaison Service here at the hospital. He’d like to ask you some questions.’’

‘’About the fire? I think you need to speak to the Bartons. I don’t know how it started.’’

‘’It’s not about the fire specifically.’’ Keith glanced hesitantly at Diane and Vic, and continued. ‘’I want to ask you why you didn’t try to get out when you had the opportunity.’’

‘’I’m sorry, what exactly are you trying to ask me?’’

‘’Rob,’’ Vic began to sob. ‘’Did you want to kill yourself in that fire?’’

‘’No, of course I didn’t. Is that what people think?’’

‘’You didn’t move Rob, you just lay there.’’ Vic continued to sob.

‘’I froze Vic, I just panicked, but I’m okay.’’

‘’But the doctor says you’ve been exhausted, are you not sleeping?’’

‘’I’ve just had a lot going on Vic.’’

‘’Is it because of mum, is that why you froze?’’

‘’No Vic it’s not, I’m fine really. I think I’m gonna go for a walk, if that’s okay with everyone.’’’

The nurse and Keith nodded in agreement, and Robert gingerly pulled himself from his bed. He tossed on the coat that Vic handed to him and left them all staring after him, missing their looks of concern.

 

Aaron was sat in the hospital car park, gripping the steering wheel tightly as he stewed over what to do next. He had been at the hospital for an hour now, ever since he had dropped Liv off at school. He had crept out of the hospital in the early hours, back in time to fake his emergence from his bedroom just in time to greet his sister. She hadn’t noticed anything awry, and had reluctantly gone to school, her pleas to see Robert again falling on deaf ears. He replayed the argument they had the night of the fire as they drove home, Liv’s questioning prickling at all the wounds Aaron had tried not to open.

 

_‘’Do you really think he tried to kill himself?’’_

_‘’How should I know?’’_

_‘’You loved him Aaron, I thought you knew him better than anyone.’’_

_‘’Well clearly I didn’t okay, just drop it.’’_

_‘’Why are you acting like this is nothing? He could have died. Why would he stay in that barn, he could have gotten out.’’_

_‘’What do you want me to say Liv? No, I have no idea if my husband may have tried to kill himself, okay? I have no idea what’s been going through his head these last few months, now just leave it.’’_

_‘’Ex-husband.’’_

_‘’What?’’_

_‘’You called him your husband, but he’s not, he’s your ex.’’_

So here he was now, back fidgeting in the car park, deciding if he should go in or not.

A tap on the window startled him, and he rolled it down to see Alex smiling softly on the other side.

‘’Hey.’’

‘’Hey yourself. So is this you leaving, or coming back?’’

‘’I’m sorry?’’

‘’I saw you heading towards Robert’s room last night. Rounds’’ he offered by way of explanation.

‘’Yea….’’

‘’So you two are….?’’

‘’We’re not together. He doesn’t know I was there.’’

‘’And he won’t hear about it from me. Take care Aaron.’’ Alex moved away, but Aaron’s voice stopped him.

‘’I’m really sorry Alex, for how I treated you.’’

‘’It’s fine. Getting under someone to get over someone else is never the answer.’’

‘’Is that a professional medical opinion?’’ Aaron asked lightly.

‘’Three out of four registered NHS doctors agree.’’ Alex joked, drawing a small chuckle from Aaron. ‘’Well, whether you are coming or going, I am definitely the latter. It’s been a long shift. I’ll see you around Aaron.’’

‘’Bye Alex.’’

As he watched Alex walk away, Aaron decided that he was right. It had been a long night, and he still didn’t have the words that he wanted to say to Robert, so he went home, but he would return.

 

Aaron looked happy. Robert could see that from his spot at the hospital door. The doctor was making him happy. He was clearly dropping him off to work, like Robert used to do with Aaron on the way to meetings in Leeds. Mundane things like haulage meetings seemed a lifetime ago, and as Robert watched Aaron pull out of the car park, his lungs seemed to fill with smoke once more.

 

‘’As if that poor family don’t have enough do deal with.’’

‘’I don’t know what was going through her head, trying to trap the fella into a relationship.’’

‘’How she thought she’d get away with it is beyond me. ’’

‘’Well that family have always thought they were above common reason, look what they did to Andy.’’

‘’That poor baby doesn’t know what it’s being born into. You’d nearly wish Robert was its father, and that’s saying something.’’

Aaron hadn’t been paying attention to Brenda and Pearl in the pub, only occasional words finding their way in, but the mention of Robert’s name rattled him, and he couldn’t help himself.

‘’What’s that about Robert and the baby?’’

Both women shuffled nervously in their seats.

‘’Ooh’’ Pearl began. ‘’I would have thought you would have been told by now.’’

‘’Told what?’’

‘’Rebecca had the baby on the day of the fire, apparently it’s not Robert’s.’’

_‘’Why on earth was he at Wiley’s barn today in the first place?’’_

Aaron’s legs buckled underneath him at Pearl’s revelation, Diane’s words now ringing in his ear. Rebecca had gone into labour. Robert had found out the truth and he had gone to the barn, their barn. Why?

 

It was his third night sleeping on the uncomfortable hospital chair when it happened. He knew it was coming, knew she wouldn’t be able to stay away. As he thought about it later, he had to stifle a laugh. One thing he could sympathise with Rebecca White on was the obvious truth that Robert Sugden was an impossible man to stay away from.

The movement from the window caught his eye, and the flash of blond hair brought a rage to his stomach that he had rarely felt these days. Hoisting himself up, he pulled open the door and the sound of his voice stopped her in her tracks as she paced.

‘’What the hell do you think you’re doing here?’’

‘’I needed to make sure...’’ Rebecca was stuttering now.

‘’What? That he’s not dead? That he doesn’t hate you for lying to him? Trust me, you deserve so much more than that.’’

‘’Aaron I never meant…’’

‘’Don’t bother. You can’t flutter your eyelashes at me and expect me to fall for your little panto routine, you knew exactly what you were doing and you enjoyed every minute. Now get out of this hospital before I have someone throw you out.’’

‘’You can both go.’’ The voice came from behind them, dry and raspy, but stern all the same.

‘’Robert.’’ Rebecca pleaded. ‘’Please don’t hate me, all I wanted was for us to be a family.’’

‘’I don’t hate you Rebecca.’’ Her eyes brightened, but dimmed instantly as Robert continued to speak. ‘’I don’t care about you enough to hate you. Now get out, and don’t come near me or Aaron ever again.’’ Aaron’s heart fluttered at the protective tone in Robert’s voice as he said his name. It had been so long since he had heard him speak like that.

Rebecca fled from the room, tears falling down her cheeks.

‘’Robert…’’ Aaron started.

‘’You heard me, you can go too.’’

‘’Robert please tell me why you at the barn that day?’’ Robert ignored his question.

‘’Leave Aaron, go and find your boyfriend. I’ve been in here three days without you, I don’t need you now.’’

Aaron remained rooted to the spot, hovering by the door. He desperately wanted to touch Robert, to tell him he had been here every night and convince him to let him stay.

‘’Go.’’

Robert turned his back on him, shuffling in the bed to obscure his vision. He didn’t let the tears begin to fall until he heard the door close behind him, and felt emptiness fill the room once more.

 

_‘’Robert I’m scared.’’_

_''_ _Rebecca, you’ll be fine.’’_

_‘’I can’t do this, I can’t have this baby, this isn’t how it’s supposed to happen.’’_

_The midwife is suddenly there, taking Rebecca from Robert._

_‘’Don’t leave me Robert, please.’’_

_‘’She’ll look after you.’’_

_‘’What’s your name love?’’_

_‘’It’s Rebecca, but the baby is early. She’s only seven months.’’_

_‘’I’m not, I’m nine.’’_

 

The nurse closing the door shut out the noise of the crying baby outside his room.

‘’How are you today Robert?’’ She asked it softly, as though scared he would break if she spoke at a normal register.

‘’I’m okay, I guess.’’

‘’Are you ready to go back to reality?’’

‘’That depends, how much can I pay you to hide me from my little sister?’’ The nurse’s smile told him everything he needed to know.

‘’Then yea, I’m ready.’’

 

‘’Welcome home bro.’’

Robert emerged from the taxi apprehensively. He had that weird sensation in his stomach, the one where he expected everything about his home to be different, even though he had only been gone three days, but everything was still the same. Bob was clearing up outside the café, Arthur and Elliot were playing on the pirate ship, Dan and Ross were bickering outside the garage.

Ross.

‘’Does he know?’’ he asked Vic, her gaze following his down the road.

‘’Yea, he does. It was Chas that told him, yelled it at him really.’’

‘’Chas?’’

‘’She went shouting her mouth off in front of everyone in the pub, accusing him on being in on it to extort money from you, probably not the best time, given everything, but when has timing ever been anyone’s strong suit around here?’’

‘’You’re right about that, how’s Adam?’’

‘’Gonna be a big brother again, so weirded out is probably an accurate description.’’

‘’The things that can change in a day eh, Moira pregnant and Chas Dingle fighting my corner.’’ Robert smiled weakly.

‘’Well people can surprise you, if you give them a chance to.’’

Vic took his bag from the boot and made her way inside, and Robert took another look around the village. It was then that he noticed it: the way ashes from the fire had left their mark on everyone, as though to ignite, they had to take the spark from the residents of this postcard village. Bob was moving slower as he cleared, the boys on the ship didn’t shriek as they normally did, and Dan’s tone was kinder towards Ross then he had ever heard. Just at that moment, Ross looked up, and they caught each other’s eye. Neither of them moved, but Robert felt the sudden urge to nod, which Ross seemed to contemplate before ignoring him and retreating to the garage.

‘’You gonna stand out here all day then?’’ Vic said from the doorway.

‘’Coming.’’ He replied as he walked inside, missing the figure that hovered by the pub doorway.

 

‘’So, what do you fancy doing today?’’

Robert had spent all day dozing on the sofa, and now Vic was looking at him wide-eyed, clearly not moving until she got an answer.

‘’I’m pretty comfortable here as it happens.’’

‘’No, no way.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’I am not having you moping around my house and refusing to face the village. I had enough of that when you were shot.’’

‘’Cheers for the sympathy Vic. Shouldn’t you be with Adam anyway?’’

‘’He’s looking after his mum, I said I’d pop in on him later. Look…’’ she continued softly. ‘’I know you’re nervous about seeing people, but with everything that’s happened, you’re not the main topic of conversation for once.’’

Robert smiled weakly at her attempts to joke.

‘’So what do you suggest then?’’

‘’Start small. Let’s go for a walk as far as the shop, get some bits for dinner. I’ll cook and then I’ll even give you some peace while I go and see Adam. Sound good?’’

‘’Sounds great.’’ Robert acquiesced.

Robert found himself outside David’s ten minutes later, the shop front as far as he would agree to go, leaning against the wall while Vic got supplies. He felt him almost before he saw him, could feel the shift under his feet that occurred every single time Aaron Dingle was in the vicinity. He looked up, and there he was, coming out of the pub, arm in arm with Liv. He froze, desperate to run, but his legs wouldn’t comply.

‘’Robert.’’ Liv shouted, breaking away from her brother. ‘’You’re home.’’

‘’They had to kick me out eventually.’’

‘’So, what are you doing out here?’’

‘’Waiting for Vic.’’ He replied as he nodded to the shop.

‘’Do you want to come to ours for a bit?’’ Liv asked nervously. ‘’Both of you?’’

Aaron was slowly getting closer, and Robert shook his head.

‘’Don’t think that’s a good idea, but you can come round to mine anytime, yea?’’

Liv nodded reluctantly, and left in the direction of the Mill.

‘’Aaron?’’ Robert asked tentatively as the other man walked slowly by him. ‘’I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I was just tired.’’

‘’It’s fine, it’s good to see you’re out.’’ Aaron moved to walk again, but Robert’s next words stopped him.

'‘I never meant to hurt you.’’ Aaron’s puzzled expression convinced him to continue. ‘’After everything that’s happened with Liv, and Home Farm, I’ll keep my promise this time, I’ll stay away from you both.’’

Vic emerged from David’s at that moment, and Robert walked with her back to Keepers without a backwards glance, as Aaron felt the lump in his heart grow bigger.

 

_‘’Robert, I’m trapped.’’_

_‘’Vic, it’s okay. I’ll get you out I promise.’’_

_‘’Did you find Adam?’’_

_''_ _Yea he’s here, he’s safe.’’_

_‘’Robert, please.’’_

_‘’Vic….’’_

_‘’Robert….’’_

_‘’Mum….Vic….mum….mum….’’’_

_The screaming was crippling him, he needed to reach her, the flames were licking his arms, just a bit further._

‘’Robert, Rob it’s okay I’m here.’’

Vic was looking at him, tears dripping down her cheeks. The tension in his jaw was palpable. It had been him. The screaming. It was him.

‘’Robert, please talk to me. Just look at me.’’

Robert could feel his lungs on fire, air trying to get in to them. As he focused on his little sister, his heartbeat slowed, eventually returning to normal.

‘’Can I get some water?’’

Before he registered her disappearance, she was back, water in hand. The icy chill of the liquid was biting, but he could feel the heat in his lungs evaporating.

‘’Rob, say something, please.’’

‘’I’m okay Vic, it was just a bad dream.’’

‘’But you were screaming. You weren’t like this in the hospital, were you?’’

‘’No.’’ he admitted. ‘’I did have dreams, but I was okay in there, I guess something in there helped me feel safe.’’

‘’Robert, maybe you should see someone.’’

‘’I’m okay Vic, it’s just my first day home, it’ll pass.’’

 

But it didn’t. By the fifth night, flames turned to water, and Vic turned into someone else.

_‘’Mum….Dad, Andy, someone please, get her out.’’_

_The barns changed._

_‘’Vic, it’s okay, I promise I’ll get you out.’’_

_The flames were licking his skin, fiery walls building a prison around him. Then suddenly, the fire brigade were there. Cold water was quenching the flames. But he couldn’t see. The water was too dark, too murky._

_‘’You’ve gotta go. I’m not having you dying in here because of me.’’_

_‘’I’m not leaving ya.’’_

_Aaron. The car._

_‘’Liv, Liv talk to me, oh god.’’_

_The empty bottle was a dead weight in his hand._

_‘’She needs me, she’s just a kid.’’_

He was running, breaths coming in short, sharp bursts. He didn’t stop until he reached it, collapsing on his knees, splinters of wood digging into his palms, the sound of water rushing underneath him.

 

The sound of a phone ringing roused Liv from her dozing on the sofa. She had promised Aaron she would go to bed soon, but she must have fallen asleep. The ringing stopped and then suddenly started again. It was Aaron’s phone, the vibrating threatening to push it straight off the coffee table.

‘’Hello.’’ She said sleepily into the phone.

‘’Liv?’’

‘’Vic? What is it?’’

‘’Is Aaron there?’’

‘’He’s asleep, Vic tell me, what is it?’’ Her worried tone had Liv sitting bolt upright.

‘’It’s Robert. He was having a nightmare. I heard him screaming, and now’s he gone. I can’t find him. I need Aaron’s help.’’

‘’Don’t worry, I’m coming.’’ Liv replied, hanging up and pulling on her trainers. She glanced upstairs before heading out the door.

‘’Where’s Aaron?’’ Vic asked, seeing Liv alone at Keepers two minutes later.

‘’I can find him Vic, don’t worry.’’ She replied, dodging the question. ‘’Just stay here, I’ll bring him home.’’

She found him instantly. The bridge was theirs, and nobody else would think to look there. As she walked slowly toward him, he had never looked smaller than he did now.

‘’Rob?’’ He gazed slowly up at her, and her heart shattered in her chest. His eyes were blank, all the fire and spark completely absent. ‘’Rob, it’s okay, it’s just me.’’

She crouched down next to him, pulling his arm around her, trying to pass her heat onto his freezing body.

‘’Robert, don’t go silent on me. You’re the only one with a bigger mouth than me.’’

‘’I can’t…..’’

‘’Robert, I’m here.’’ The concern in her voice sliced through him like a dagger.

‘’I did it all. I couldn’t save us. I’m so sorry Liv, I’m so, so sorry.’’ With that, the tears started, and Liv could feel her own body shaking with unshed tears as she held him.

She finally got him back to Keepers, Vic taking his hand and guiding him inside, whispering a thanks to her before she crept back to the Mill, closing the door behind her and making it to Aaron’s room, where he was still fast asleep. She deleted Vic’s call from his phone, placed it beside him and fell into her own bed, where she allowed the tears to come.

‘’Here, drink this.’’ Vic said gently as she passed him the steaming tea. He stared at the swirls rising up from the oversized mug, and he could feel Vic’s eyes on him as she waited for him to speak.

‘’Vic?’’

‘’Yea?’’

‘’I think I need to talk to someone.’’

 

‘’It’s good to see you today Robert.’’

Helen, she was called. She was kind, her edges not hardened by what could only be assumed were years of doling out advice to her patients. She spoke with a soft Scottish lilt and her eyes still had a spark to them that defied her age. She reminded Robert of Chas, the thought strangely comforting.

‘’Why are you here today?’’

‘’I think I’m broken, and I need to be fixed.’’

‘’If it were that easy, I’d be out of a job.’’

Silence.

‘’You know Robert, despite my youthful appearance, I have been at this for some time, and do you want to know what the greatest lesson I have learned is?’’ She took Robert’s silence as tacit compliance to continue. ‘’I’ve learned that it’s always easier to avoid your pain, to run from it until blisters scar your feet, but if you always run from the pain, you’ll never learn to grow from the pain.’’

‘’Is that what I’m doing, running from my pain?’’

‘’Why don’t you tell me?’’

‘’I don’t know….I’m not sure where to start.’’ Robert offered honestly.

‘’Why don’t you start by telling me how you arrived here? Did something happen, or did someone suggest it?’’

Robert looked at her curiously. He had never really done this before, opened up to someone, a stranger. But she wore an open expression, and it made him want to speak.

‘’We go at your pace Robert. There is no pressure.’’

‘’Both.’’ He said in response to her question and Helen nodded for him to continue. ‘’I’ve been having dreams, nightmares really, and my little sister, well my two little sisters helped me.’’

‘’What are the nightmares about?’’

‘’People I love in danger, I’m trying to save them….’’ Robert paused.

‘’In these nightmares, do you fail to save them?’’

‘’Only in one. My mum, she died in a fire when I was fourteen, nobody could get to her.’’

‘’Do you blame yourself for not saving her?’’ Robert chewed over the question in his head before nodding.

‘’And these other nightmares, are they also events that really happened?’’

Another nod.

‘’My sister Vic, my husband Aaron, his sister Liv.’’

‘’And in each of these events, you saved all of these people?’’

‘’Yea, I guess you could say that.’’

‘’Can I ask you, did any of these events occur because of something you did?’’

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Did you intentionally put these people you love in danger?’’

‘’No, of course not.’’

‘’But you still blame yourself?’’

‘’How can I not?’’

‘’Robert, has anyone ever tried to save you?’’

 

 

‘’Well, how did it go?’’

Vic was towering over him, looking surprisingly intimidating despite her small stature.

‘’Yea, it went okay, as far as spilling your guts to a stranger can go.’’ Robert was lying. It had been better than okay. He was bone-tired after his session, but he felt lighter somehow, like he had actually managed to achieve something.

‘’Well, I think your first counselling session deserves a reward. Dinner at the pub, my treat.’’

‘’Is it really your treat when you get staff discount?’’ Robert smirked.

‘’Can this Helen counsel the smart arse out of you?’’ Vic retorted.

‘’I think that costs extra.’’ Robert replied. ‘’Look Vic….’’

‘’No, we’re going. You’ll have to face the pub eventually, and Chas doesn’t hate you nearly as much as she once did, you having saved her most valuable chef and all. Please, for me?’’ She asked more softly.

‘’Fine, just because it’s you.’’

As soon as he stepped foot through the door of the Woolpack, he instantly relaxed. He had expected it to be eerily quiet, reverberations from the previous week’s events still haunting everyone, but the hum of chatter was normal and comforting. Charity was her usual snarky self, and that made Robert feel even better, her lack of sympathy for him grounding him in its familiarity. They ate their dinner peacefully, and it felt easy, something that Robert hadn’t experienced in months. He hadn’t even noticed Aaron and Adam in the corner until they were leaving, Vic’s eyes wandering over to her husband, making a _I’ll call you later_ gesture to him as she walked out.

‘’Mate, I just wanted to say thank you, I never got the chance before.’’ Adam said, stopping Robert in his tracks halfway out the door.

‘’I did what anyone would have done.’’ Robert replied.

‘’All the same man, thank you.’’

Robert brushed away the gratitude and followed Vic out the door, briefly catching Aaron’s gaze as he did.

‘’What was that about?’’

‘’You don’t know?’’ Aaron shook his head. ‘’Robert was the one who got me out of the barn.’’

‘’What? I thought he just got Vic out.’’

‘’Nah bro, me and all. Said his life wouldn’t be worth living if he let me die.’’

‘’Yea, guess he’s right. Vic can be pretty fierce when she wants to be.’’

‘’Yea bro, thing is, I don’t think he was talking just about Vic.’’

‘’Adam, not now.’’

‘’I’m not trying to start anything bro, I’m just saying it how it is. You should know by the way, he went to counselling today, Vic let it slip.’’

‘’And what does that have to do with me?’’ Aaron asked, continuing to feign ignorance.

‘’Maybe nothing, maybe everything.’’ Adam replied softly, downing his pint and heading off, leaving Aaron alone with nothing but his thoughts.

_Thank you, for saving Adam._

He sent the text without even thinking about it and the response came instantly.

_You’d never forgive me if your best mate died._

_He nearly did though,_ Aaron thought, no longer sure if he still meant Adam.

 

‘’So I didn’t scare you off with our last session then?’’

‘’I suppose not.’’

‘’So, you didn’t answer my question, do you feel anyone has ever made the effort to save you?’’

‘’Once I guess, but I don’t think it counts.’’

‘’Why not?’’ Robert twisted his wedding ring around, trying to find the words.

‘’This is your session Robert, you can say as little or as much as you like.’’

‘’I was shot once.’’ Robert started, releasing his ring. ‘’So I guess that’s the only time someone saved me.’’

‘’That’s a pretty big thing to survive. Why don’t you think it counts?’’

‘’The people who were there, who stopped the bleeding and called the ambulance; they didn’t do it because they loved me. It was just the right thing to do.’’

‘’Who was there?’’

‘’It doesn’t matter now.’’ Robert shrugged, twisting his ring around again.

'‘I’d like to think that that at least one person is grateful that you survived that bullet,’’ Helen offered kindly, looking at his ring.

‘’You’d be wrong. And I’m not talking about him, not yet.’’

‘’That’s fine, so who would you like to talk about? Tell me about someone in your life that makes you smile.’’

‘’Well, there’s Vic, and then there’s Liv.’’ Robert felt a pang of guilt as he said her name, but Helen didn’t miss the way his eyes lit up.

‘’I want to hear about Liv.’’

 

 

‘’Liv where the hell have you been?’’

‘’I’ve been at school alright, where do you think I’ve been?’’

‘’Oh that’s interesting, when I’ve had a phone call off Mrs. Griffiths today asking where you were. Spill it now Liv. I won’t stop until I find out.’’

‘’I was with Robert okay, happy now?’’

 

_‘’Liv, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you. All good’’ Helen added, seeing the nervous look on the young girl’s face. ‘’Take a seat.’’_

_Robert’s face was giving away nothing, which didn’t help the pit in Liv’s stomach._

_‘’So Liv, Robert has told me about your stay in hospital, about how it was his brandy you drank, and the things he said to you prior to this. How are you feeling?’’_

_‘’I’m okay.’’ Liv was eyeing Helen suspiciously. Clearly she didn’t know everything about the brandy, but Liv was not about to enlighten her._

_‘’How did you feel about Robert after he said those things?’’_

_‘’Angry, upset. I thought we were a family. I thought he wanted me and Aaron.’’_

_‘’Can I ask you why you believed him so quickly?’’_

_Liv tugged at her sleeves, then stopped when she remembered how much it reminded Robert of Aaron._

_‘’I’ve never really had anyone look out for me like Robert has before.’’ She admitted slowly. ‘’So when he said it, I thought maybe he was sick of me, that he didn’t want me around anymore.’’_

_‘’Robert, what would you like to say to Liv?’’ Helen asked gently._

_''I didn’t get to see Vic grow up Liv. When I came back to the village, she was a woman, and I missed it all because of my own stupid decisions. Then I got the chance to have that with you, and I couldn’t help messing it all up again. It’s all I know how to do. You know, I’m the one that brought you into our lives in the first place, and don’t get me wrong, the temptation to look up boarding schools was strong on more than one occasion.’’ Robert’s small attempt at humour drew a sad smile from her, and he kept talking. ‘’But whatever has happened between your brother and me, you will always be my little sister Liv, and I am so proud of you. I’ll never forgive myself for what happened to you, but I’d like to try and make up for it, if you’d let me.’’_

_She could feel her lip begin to wobble as she looked at him._

_‘’I’d like that too.’’ She finally says, trying to hide her tears as she hugged him._

 

‘’I don’t believe this. He can’t be pulling you out of school like that.’’

‘’Don’t have a go. It’s not his fault.’’

‘’You should stay away from him Liv.’’

‘’Oh right fine, so when he asks me to go to counselling with him I’m supposed to just ignore him am I?’’

‘’What?’’ Aaron was floored.

‘’Yea, that’s where I was. He wanted to say some things to me and he invited me along.’’

‘’Why didn’t he…?’’

‘’What, ask you first? Maybe because he knows I can make my own decisions.’’

‘’Liv, listen to me. Robert is not what we need…’’

‘’No Aaron, you listen. You’re upset he didn’t want to see you in the hospital, and you’re taking it out on me. He still loves us, both of us, and you’d know that if you heard what he said today. But you’re too busy pretending you don’t care about him because you won’t admit that you’re still in love with him.’’

‘’Liv, how many times, we’re over.’’

‘’Yea I know, you’re finished I get it. But if you’re so done with him, then stop trying to punish him by keeping me from him.’’

‘’What the hell is that supposed to mean?’’

‘’You let him go Aaron, stop trying to force other people to let him go as well just so you can keep pretending you made the right decision.’’ She stormed up to her room, slamming the door loudly behind her, not noticing as it rebounded open.

_Thank you Liv, for today._

_Did you mean everything you said?_

_Yes I did. There are very few things in this world that I love, but you and your brother, you top the list._

The text came through just as she was dozing off, and she gripped the phone tightly to her chest, a small smile poking through as she drifted off, her door still open just a fraction.

 

‘’Are you ready to talk about Aaron yet?’’

‘’Not really.’’

‘’Okay, well let me ask you this instead. How have your friends supported you since your marriage ended?’’

‘’I don’t really have friends.’’ Robert admitted. ‘’Aaron was my best friend, my only friend really, and he’s gone now.’’

‘’Is that something you would like to change, the friends you have?’’

It was. Robert had never really given much thought to the idea of friendship before. He had always survived on his own, needing it to be that way. He couldn’t get hurt if he didn’t let anyone in. But then Aaron exploded into his life, and he was his best friend and love of his life all wrapped in one, and the loss of him had been extraordinary.

‘’I don’t really know how to make friends.’’ Robert admitted.

‘’Nobody knows how to do anything until they give it a try.’’

 

Thursday night in the Woolpack, and Robert was standing alone at the bar, Helen’s words still ringing in his ear. He didn’t notice Pete until he was standing right next to him.

‘’Marlon is just changing the barrel.’’

Pete nodded.

‘’You alright?’’

‘’Yea, you?’’

‘’Been better.’’ Robert said dryly.

‘’Same.’’ Pete agreed.

‘’Let me get this one.’’ Robert offered as Marlon returned, signalling for two pints. ‘’If you want to escape Ross and Finn, I’ll be over there.’’

It wasn’t much, but it was something, and for Pete it was enough. Five minutes after re-joining his brothers, his patience wore thin. Grabbing the remains of his pint, he slid into the booth beside Robert.

‘’I won’t ask you about Emma.’’

‘’And I won’t ask you about Aaron or Rebecca.’’

They drank their pints in comfortable silence, inconsequential comments about Doug and Eric’s landscape battle and Faith’s erotic fiction book club the only interludes between the quiet. But it was surprisingly easy talking to Pete. He didn’t push, didn’t goad, and he was happy to stay in his own thoughts. As days went by, they would join each other more and more, and one pint would turn into two, and slowly, ever so slowly, the walls would come down for both of them.

‘’So, you own Home Farm now?’’

‘’Not for long.’’ Robert replied. ‘’It’s gonna be his soon.’’ He added, nodding towards Debbie and Tom.

‘’But you seemed to want it so much. I don’t get it.’’

‘’I don’t think I do either.’’ Robert admitted. ‘’Your turn.’’

‘’It’s mum’s hearing in a few days.’’

‘’How are you feeling?’’ Pete shrugged.

‘’Not the best. Finn won’t shut up about it, and Ross is avoiding everyone. I’ve never seen him so willing to go to work before.’’

‘’Well if you need a pint after, you know where to find me.’’

‘’Cheers mate.’’

Adam and Aaron walked in right at that moment, and Pete nodded to them both. After a brief hesitation, Aaron nodded back.

‘’Either of you want another?’’ he asked tentatively.

‘’Nah mate, I best be off, thanks though.’’ Pete replied as he left them to it.

‘’Robert, can I get you one?’’ Adam asked, Marlon watching them all expectantly.

‘’Eh yea, go on then.’’

Adam set his pint down in front of him before returning to the bar. Aaron was watching him fiddle about on his phone, and he moved before his brain could stop him.

‘’Thanks, for helping Liv with her homework.’’

‘’Anytime.’’

‘’You can join us, if you want to?’’

Robert watched him for a moment, the way he shuffled on his feet as he asked.

‘’No, I’m okay on my own, thank you.’’ He replied sincerely, and Aaron walked away, trying to mask the sting of rejection at Robert’s words.

_‘’I’m okay on my own.’’_

_Are you okay on your own too?_ The voice inside his head whispered.

 

 

‘’So, how have things been with you and Liv since your session together?’’

‘’They’ve been good.’’

And they had been. He knew that as soon as he opened the door to her at Keepers, muttering about indices and bisects and quadratic equations.

‘’You’re good with numbers then?’’

‘’There’s a rhythm to them, makes them easy to focus on.’’

‘’And you enjoy helping Liv?’’

‘’She helps me more.’’

‘’Would you like that someday, to be a father?’’

‘’I haven’t…it’s not something…’’

‘’You’ve allowed yourself to dwell on, since Rebecca?’’

‘’I didn’t want that baby, and it’s not the child’s fault, but I couldn’t do it, not with her.’’

‘’But you pretended you wanted that, why?’’

‘’We’ve already been through this.’’

‘’I’d like to hear you say it again, just one last time. Think of it as closing the book.’’

‘’To get close to her, and then hurt her. I wanted her to feel the same pain I was feeling. It’s what I did to Aaron too. It’s what I do best.’’

‘’You take your pain and throw it to someone else?’’

‘’You make it sound like a game of pass the parcel.’’

‘’Maybe it is. But eventually someone has to open the parcel for the last time, whether they like it or not.’’

'‘And you think Home Farm was the prize inside?’’

‘’Do you?’’

‘’I wouldn’t call it a prize, not anymore. It was a memory of everything I lost.’’

‘’In what way?’’

‘’The first time I lived there, I fell in love with Aaron, but I wanted to hang on to what Home Farm represented so much that I lost him, because I was too scared to admit how I really felt.’’

‘’And this time?’’

‘’I wanted to destroy it, what it meant. I wanted to take everything from Rebecca, the same way that she and her sister and everyone in that house took everything from me.’’

‘’Your family.’’ Helen finished softly, and Robert nodded. ‘’Robert, can I ask you something?’’

‘’Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for the past few weeks now?’’ Robert smirked, but his words had no heat to them.

‘’I’ve noticed that all the people you’ve loved the most haven’t actually been related to you, but they’ve made the biggest impact on you, how you choose to react to things. Andy wasn’t biologically your brother and Vic is only your half-sister. Aaron and Liv, well they’re not even fully related to each other, never mind you, and Sarah wasn’t your real mother.’’

‘’I’m sorry, where are we going with this?’’

‘’I just want to know what you think that could mean?’’

Robert chewed his lip for a second.

‘’Helen, can I invite someone else to my next session?’’

 

 

‘’So Chas, I guess you’re wondering why your presence has been requested at this session today?’’ Helen asked kindly.

‘’Something like that.’’ Chas replied hesitantly as she looked nervously around. ‘’I didn’t even think I’d come to be honest.’’

‘’Neither did I.’’ Robert said it with a hint of apprehension, and Chas saw a crack in his armour for the first time in months.

‘’One of the main subjects Robert and I have been dealing with has been his tendency to bottle up his feelings and not tell the people he loves how he feels.’’

‘’And what’s that got to do with me?’’

‘’Robert, why don’t you answer that question?’’

Robert took a deep breath and began to speak.

‘’I think some people would call me lucky, because I got to have two mums. Some people barely get one. But I lost both of my mums by the time I was fifteen, so I spent half my life pretty much on my own. Don't get wrong, Diane is great, but I felt something was missing until Chas came along.’’

Chas watched Robert fiddle with his shirt button as he spoke. He had barely ever mentioned either of his mothers to her before.

‘’I know we’ve hated each other at times Chas, and you probably still hate me for what I did to Aaron. We’ve said and done things that hopefully we both regret, but I asked you to come here because I want to say sorry. You’ve been a mum to me, one I didn’t deserve, and I’m so sorry. I didn’t just let Aaron and Liv down, I let you down too.’’

‘’I want to know, if it’s alright…’’

‘’Go ahead Chas.’’

‘’I want to hear what happened, the day Robert slept with Rebecca. I don’t want to bring it all up, but I want to understand.’’

‘’I’ve told you what happened before Chas.’’

‘’Robert, it might help to tell her again. Don’t just tell her the facts. Tell her how you felt, and not just on that day, but the days before.’’

‘’Please, Robert.’’ Chas pleaded.

So he did. As he spoke, about Liv’s drinking and skiving from school, about not being able to find her a new one, about Noah, about the drugs, his fight with Aaron, he could feel Chas edging closer and closer to him, until eventually her hand was resting on his.

‘’I just wanted to get her back in school, and she felt so guilty for lying about the drugs, and I couldn’t say anything right. Then Aaron didn’t care and I snapped. I thought he didn’t want either of us anymore. I thought I’d lost him, so I got hammered and text Rebecca. I didn’t even remember doing it, but suddenly she was just there, and you know the rest….’’ Robert trailed off.

One little detail wormed its way into Chas’s head as Robert finished speaking.

‘’Robert, you don’t remember her coming over? How drunk were you?’’

‘’A whole bottle of whiskey drunk I guess. What’s that got to do with anything? Me being drunk doesn’t excuse what I’ve done, and I’m not trying to, Chas.’’

‘’I know love,’’ she shook off the thoughts festering in her head. ‘’Thank you for bringing me here today. I let you down too Robert, I made you cope with everything on your own, and I’m sorry.’’

‘’You have nothing to be sorry for.’’

The look of utter remorse in his eyes floored her, and she was hugging him, his body relaxing the longer she held on.

‘’Neither do you, not really.’’ She muttered under her breath.

 

Chas was stewing, Robert’s words from earlier ringing in her ears as the taxi trundled slowly towards the village.

_‘’Robert, you don’t remember her coming over? How drunk were you?’’_

_‘’A whole bottle of whiskey drunk I guess.’’_

_‘’Mum, you can’t let Robert have more than two whiskeys in one sitting, he’s no use to anyone then.’’_

_‘’He’s just enjoying himself love, it is your engagement party after all.’’_

_‘’But you’re not the one who’ll have to haul him upstairs in an hour’s time.’’_

She barely even registered the taxi pulling up, until the driver cleared his throat in dramatic fashion. Chucking a twenty-pound note at him, she hauled herself from the car.

‘’Mum, Paddy said you blew him off earlier, where have you been all day?’’

Aaron was suddenly in front of her, staring at her expectantly for a response, but she didn’t see him. All she saw was the comically oversized hat bobbing behind him as Rebecca exited the café.

_‘’Pretending to be his mate, then you just stab him in the back.’’_

_‘’I didn’t, I wouldn’t.’’_

‘’Mum, where are you going? What are you doing, mum?’’

Chas was pretty sure the whole village heard the slap as she dished it out, the reverberations echoing across the tiny road.

‘’You thought we wouldn’t find out didn’t you?’’ Chas snarled at Rebecca.

‘’Chas, if this is about the baby, you’re a bit late now, everyone’s known for weeks.’’ She replied, but her smug façade was wavering.

‘’Oh I am talking about the baby, but there was never any chance of it being Robert’s was there?’’

‘’Mum, what are you on about?’’ Aaron asked behind her as he glanced from woman to woman as though he was watching a tennis match.

‘’Will you tell my son, or will I?’’ Rebecca was rendered speechless. ‘’Thought as much. You see I went to a session with Robert today at his request, and he told me about that night, how he was so hammered he didn’t even remember texting you. There was a whole bottle of whiskey in his system apparently.’’

Aaron’s legs were beginning to shake behind her, as he slowly put the pieces together.

_‘’I must have passed out, because when I woke up she was gone.’’_

‘’And do you know what the best bit is? You told me yourself you hadn’t slept with him, said you didn’t betray Aaron.’’

‘’I loved him, he didn’t belong with Aaron, he belonged with me.’’ She pleaded. ‘’I just needed to make him see.’’

‘’With a baby that there was no possibility of being his? Where is your son anyway? Pawned him off on someone else now you no longer need him to do your bidding?’’

Chas took a step forward, whipping the novelty hat off the blonde’s head.

‘’If I were you, I’d leave this village and never look back, before Robert finds out himself.’’

Rebecca fled instantly, her car wailing as she sped out of the village. Aaron’s legs were on the brink of collapse now, and he stumbled to the closest bench.

‘’Love, I didn’t mean for you to find out like that.’’

‘’They never….’’

‘’Not once.’’ She finished softly.

‘’You went with Robert today?’’ he finally registered.

‘’He asked me to, I couldn’t say no. Wanted to see what he had to say for himself if I’m honest. Look, I’m gonna go in and call Paddy, why don’t you come in too, it’s cold out here.’’

‘’No, I need to be by myself.’’ Chas watched him intently for a minute then headed off to the side entrance of the pub, leaving Aaron alone.

 

 

‘’So, you and Leyla seem to be getting on better these days.’’

‘’Yea, she’s really been there for me.’’

‘’So….?’’

‘’So what?’’

‘’When are you gonna ask her out then?’’

‘’Mate, she doesn’t want that.’’

‘’You won’t know until you ask.’’

‘’And have you asked Aaron?’’

‘’That’s different.’’

‘’How? You’re not that kid’s father, surely that’s got to count for summat?’’

‘’Too much has happened. We’re not the same people.’’

‘’Maybe that’s a good thing. Look, I’m no relationship guru, but you only have to look at Aaron to see how he still feels about ya, so maybe I’m not the only one who needs to try.’’

‘’It’s too late for that, but thanks.’’ Robert replied. ‘’And remind me to hit you if you ever call yourself a guru again.’’

‘’Deal. Another?’’ he motioned to his empty glass.

‘’Nah, I’m gonna head off. Go talk to her.’’ Robert smiled as he downed his pint, and left Pete to nervously sidle up to Leyla at the bar, flexing his biceps while trying to look nonchalant. Stepping out into the cold air, he was surprised to see Aaron sat on the bench.

‘’Aaron, it’s freezing, what are you doing out here?’’

Robert’s voice cut through the fog in Aaron’s brain, and they locked eyes.

‘’Why won’t you bring me to a session Robert?’’

‘’Excuse me?’’

‘’You’ve had Liv and me mum in there with you, why not me?’’

‘’They’re my sessions Aaron, I choose who I want to bring into them.’’

‘’Oh and I don’t mean enough to have in there is that it?’’

‘’You know that’s not true Aaron but you ended this, so you don’t get to question my decisions anymore.’’ Robert shook his head sadly as he began to walk away.

‘’You never slept with Rebecca.’’ he blurted out desperately, itching to stop Robert walking away, and it worked, as he froze mid-step. ‘’Mum worked it out, something you said in your session.’’

Robert turned around and Aaron could practically hear his brain whirring as he tried to piece together that night.

‘’But I remember kissing her…..’’

'’And nothing else? What did me mum ask?’’

‘’Something about the booze.’’ Robert confirmed as he replayed Chas’s questions in his head. He didn’t remember anything else about that night, and the weight on his chest suddenly lifted. ‘’Are you positive?’’ He asked.

‘’Saw her just now and she couldn’t deny it, got another slap for her troubles off me mum.’’

‘’I was so sure….’’ Robert’s stoic reaction astounded Aaron.

‘’You don’t seem angry with her. She lied to you Robert, lied to both of us.’’

‘’She’s not worth it, not anymore, and let’s face it I’ve never achieved anything by being angry Aaron, the night I spent with Rebecca, real or not proves that. Just look what I lost because of it. Wow, I guess counselling is working.’’

‘’Let me come to a session with you Robert.’’

‘’I can’t Aaron. This changes nothing.’’

‘’How?’’

‘’I still texted her to come over. I still kissed her, wanted to use her to hurt you, I’m sorry.’’

‘’But I can still be…I want to try and be your friend Robert.’’

‘’I can’t be your friend Aaron. You know when you tell someone you love them, but they don’t feel the same, so you say, it’s fine, let’s stay friends, I’d rather have you in my life as a mate than not at all?’’

Aaron was speechless, could only watch as Robert ploughed on.

‘’Well I’m not strong enough to do that Aaron. Look what I did to you, who I made you become. You have Alex now and he makes you happy, and even Liv likes him. He’ll make you smile, and make you feel safe, and you deserve that, more than anyone I know. But please don’t expect me to stand beside you as your mate and watch you fall in love with someone else. I wouldn’t ask it of you, so don’t ask it of me.’’

‘’Alex and I are over.’’

The words were in his head, but nothing came out when he opened his mouth, so all he could do was watch Robert walk away.

 

 

‘’Robert, we’ve spoken about a lot of important people in your life, and how they have influence you, but it’s time to talk about Aaron now.’’

‘’I guess I couldn’t avoid it forever.’’ Robert agreed.

‘’How did it make you feel, being with Aaron?’’

‘’Invincible. Like I could do anything with him behind me.’’

‘’Is that why you fell in love with him?’’

‘’It was lots of reasons.’’

‘’Tell me some of them.’’

‘’He’s kind, despite everything that’s been thrown at him. He’s loyal to a fault almost, and he saw through all the bullshit I spouted, all the false charm, all the appearances. Same with Liv actually, that’s probably why I love her so much. She’s Aaron, in female form.’’

‘’Go on,’’ Helen encouraged kindly.

‘’He has this smile.’’ Robert started to blush as he said it, but Helen’s expression was curious. ‘’It takes a long time for him to show it, but once you’ve earned the Aaron Dingle smile, it’s yours forever.’’ _Until you throw it away_ , he finished silently, a sad smile crinkling his skin.

‘’Is that how you feel about his love too?’’

‘’I don’t follow.’’

‘’You said you had to earn his smile. Is that how you see love too, as something to be earned rather than given freely?’’

‘’I never really thought about it like that, but yea I guess I did try to earn it, prove I deserved it.’’

‘’Have you ever felt like that about someone before? Like you were constantly trying to earn their love?’’

He could feel them now, the tears prickling his eyes, the memory of the tender bruises across his cheek, and he looked up to see Helen watching him intently. She had that same quality his mother had, the ability to make people want to rip open their souls and stain the carpet with memories without even having to say a word.

‘’My father, Jack.’’

‘’You can tell me as little or as much as you like Robert, remember that.’’

‘’He knew about me, about the people I liked. He didn’t want that.’’

‘’Do you know why?’’

‘’You can’t be the perfect farmer’s son without the perfect farmer’s wife.’’

‘’When he found out, did he react…?’’

‘’Violently, and verbally.’’ Robert finished.

‘’How did his reaction and the things he said make you feel?’’

‘’Like he didn’t want me as a son, but also as though he didn’t want me to fall in love with anyone, in case it was the wrong person.’’

‘’So you never earned his love, and now you feel like you failed to earn Aaron’s as well, because of his voice in your head?’’

‘’Yea, I didn’t deserve it.’’

‘’You know Robert, some people see the loss of someone’s love as being the same as a death. This loss may not be housed in a casket like a body, but it doesn’t mean it’s not real. Both losses need to be mourned. Tell me, did you ever allow yourself to grieve the loss of your father’s love?’’

‘’No, I guess I didn’t. If I had, I wouldn’t have fought so hard against Aaron at the beginning, what he made me feel.’’

The silence stretched on after Robert finished speaking, edging on almost uncomfortable when Helen spoke again.

‘’Robert, what’s your favourite joke?’’

‘’Erm, I don’t know, I don’t think I have one.’’

‘’Neither do I, and I’ll tell you why. Imagine this: you hear a joke, and it’s so hysterical that you laugh until you cry. But, as you replay the joke in your head, it gets less and less funny each time and eventually, you no longer laugh at all. The joke has lost its humour, and therefore lost its power. You can vaguely remember how it made you laugh the first time you heard it, but you reach a point where you no longer feel anything when you hear the joke again.’’

‘’I’m sorry Helen, I’m really not following.’’

‘’My question is Robert: If over time, something that once made you smile so much now no longer has power over you, why can’t the same process happen with something that once made you sad?’’

 

Helen’s words echoed around his brain the whole way home. He had held onto Jack’s words, even after he had confided in Aaron about his sexuality. He had held onto his relationship with Jack long after the joke lost its punch line, and now he couldn’t even remember the words to it. As he pulled up outside Keepers, he made a decision.

‘’Hey bro, how was your session?’’ Victoria asked kindly as she stirred something in a pot. Her hair was scraped back into a messy bun, and flour was smeared over her apron and forehead, and she had never looked more like their mother.

‘’Vic, am I a good brother?’’

‘’Where did that come from?’’

‘’Just answer me, please.’’ He could hear it, the pleading in his voice.

‘’You’re the best big brother a girl could want.’’ She responded.

‘’Turn that off and get your coat, I need to take you somewhere.’’

‘’Rob, if you brought me here to tell me a ghost story we can do it just as easily in the house. I’ll even turn off the lights and give you a torch if you want.’’ Vic suggested, shivering in the middle of the graveyard, the only light coming from the intermittent street lamps. ‘’And for the record, if you want to keep that best big brother title, this is not the way to do it.’’

‘’Can you stop rabbiting on for a second and see where we are?’’

‘’Dad’s grave.’’ Vic realised as she saw the newly replaced headstone. ‘’Why are we here Rob?’’

‘’There’s something I never told you about us, about our relationship.’’

Victoria was sobbing quietly once he finished speaking, her tears leaving small stains on his blue shirt.

‘’You know I wanted to fix his headstone, I did. But when it came to it, I couldn’t. It felt like it would be papering over the cracks again, not really fixing anything.’’

‘’I understand Rob. I do.’’

‘’I should have tried to make amends with him before he died.’’

‘’No.’’ Vic said firmly. ‘’I love our dad, but he was wrong, and it wasn’t your job to fix things. You were the kid, you were Liv’s age, and he should have come to you, tried to understand, told you that he loved you no matter what.’’

‘’It’s okay Vic, I’ve made my peace with it now. And I’ve got you and Diane, you’re my family.’’

Vic leaned up and kissed him softly on the cheek, then nestled into him as they sat in silence in front of Jack’s grave.

‘’Hey do you remember when Andy knocked over that Victoria sponge and mum chased him through the fields with a wooden spoon?’’ Vic suddenly asked, the memory of Sarah brandishing the spoon above her head while yelling expletives making Robert’s belly hurt with laughter as he remembered.

‘’That’s not as funny as the time you had that crush on the milkman’s son and you blushed so hard when he said hello that you wet your pants.’’ Robert chuckled as Victoria punched him in the arm.

‘’That’s not funny Robert.’’ She admonished him. ‘’I was in love.’’ She finished lightly.

‘’I’ve never known such a large amount of liquid to come out of such a tiny person.’’ Robert continued to cackle as Vic continued to wrestle him.

‘’Sometimes I hate you Robert Jacob Sugden.’’

‘’I love you too sis’’ he replied as he hoisted himself up and pulled her with him, continuing to laugh all the way back to Keepers.

 

 

‘’Robert, I think it would be a constructive exercise to have Aaron join us for a session. How do you feel about that?’’ It was coming to the end of their hour together when Helen brought it up.

‘’I don’t know if I’m ready for that.’’

‘’I understand, but it may be beneficial to get his side of the story too.’’

‘’That’s the whole problem though, that’s why I’m in this mess.’’ Robert suddenly snapped, which he instantly regretted, but Helen didn’t bat an eye.

‘’Can you explain?’’

‘’Our whole relationship was always from Aaron’s side. Nobody ever wanted to hear me out, think about my feelings, especially if I did something wrong.’’

‘’Who said the decisions you made were wrong?’’

‘’Aaron, and his mum, his whole family, even my little sister.’’

‘’But they came from a good place?’’

‘’I thought they did.’’

‘’Then I think it would help to get him in here, and say this to him. Here’s an idea; I can have a private session with Aaron and get to know him, and if you are both comfortable after that we can arrange a joint session?’’

‘’Okay.’’ Robert nodded.

‘’And Robert, you may not think it, but you made progress today.’’

‘’How?’’

‘’You’re finally realising that your feelings matter too, and maybe our joint session will help Aaron realise that as well.’’

 

 

‘’Where is it, where is it?’’ Aaron muttered to himself as he tossed various invoices aside, his phone vibrating furiously somewhere under the mountain of rubbish accumulating at the scrap yard. Finally he found it.

‘’Hello.’’ He stuttered down the phone.

‘’Aaron Dingle?’’

‘’Yea, who’s this?’’

‘’My name is Helen Ledder. I’m Robert Sugden’s counsellor.’’

Aaron’s heart plummeted, images of the fiery barn invading his brain.

‘’Is he, has he done…?’’

‘’He’s fine. Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I am calling because Robert has agreed to have a joint session with you as part of his time with me. Is that something you would be interested in?’’

‘’Is that um, is that a good idea?’’

‘’You share his innate sense of scepticism I see.’’ She said softly down the phone. ‘’I think it would be good for you both, based on what Robert has told me. I suggested meeting you in private first to gauge your feelings, followed by a joint session. How does that sound?’’

‘’Erm, yea okay?’’ Aaron didn’t really know what he was agreeing to.

‘’Great. How does 3pm tomorrow sound for our introduction?’’

‘’Yea fine, I’ll see you then.’’ Aaron hung up the phone, staring at it long after the disconnect tone silenced. _What had Robert said about him?_

‘’Aaron, come on in.’’ Helen extended a hand, and Aaron walked hesitantly into her office. ‘’How are you today?’’

‘’Curious, I guess. I’m not sure why you’d want to see me.’’

‘’As you can imagine, your name has come up quite a bit in my sessions with Robert. Don’t worry, he has given me permission to tell you this.’’ Helen finished quickly, seeing the doubt cross Aaron’s eyes. ‘’It took him a long time to talk about you, and the baby, and you obviously have a huge influence over him, so I would like to get your take on things.’’

‘’But erm, the baby isn’t his, that’s all done with now.’’ Aaron replied.

‘’Nonetheless, I’d like to hear what happened from you. Let’s dive straight in, we’ve only got an hour. When Robert told you that he slept with Rebecca, did you forgive him?’’

‘’Yea…I did.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Why?’’ Aaron repeated, and Helen nodded. ‘’I loved him, and I could tell he regretted it, that he didn’t want her.’’

‘’What do you think was going through his mind, before he slept with her?’’

‘’He was having a hard time, I guess with my little sister, the business, the appeal. He thought I’d given up on him.’’

‘’But he never confided in you that he was struggling?’’

‘’No.’’ Aaron could feel a weight pressing down on his chest as he said it.

‘’Why do you think that is?’’

‘’I dunno, I guess he knew I couldn’t do anything to help him from inside, he was trying to protect me I suppose.’’

‘’Does he often do that, keep things from you to protect you?’’

‘’All the time.’’ Aaron scoffed.

‘’Why? Why would he not tell you things?’’

‘’I don’t….I don’t know.’’

‘’And when you found out that Rebecca was pregnant, did you still forgive Robert for what he did?’’

Aaron nodded slowly.

‘’She lied to him, he didn’t know she had kept the baby, turns out she lied about sleeping with him in the first place.’’

‘’I am aware of that new nugget of information.’’ Helen said kindly. ‘’But let’s focus on how you felt when you thought they had slept together. Do you think he wanted the baby?’’ Aaron shrugged. ‘’Do you think he still wanted you?’’

‘’I don’t know what he wanted.’’ Aaron admitted.

‘’Did you ever ask him?’’

‘’Not really, I guess. Not outright.’’

‘’And when you decided to end your marriage, what was the reason?’’

‘’I found a scan of the baby, in his jacket.’’

‘’And that was enough for you, enough proof that he was lying about wanting a child.’’

‘’He wanted something I couldn’t give him. I couldn’t compete with that.’’

‘’Did Robert ever imply there was competition for his affections?’’

‘’I guess not, no. But he didn’t notice when…’’

‘’Go on.’’

‘’I started cutting myself again.’’ Helen nodded softly. ‘’Bet he told you all about that?’’

‘’He said you had been through a lot, but didn’t give any more details. Said it wasn’t his story to tell.’’ The thought that Robert respected Aaron’s privacy made his heart flutter ever so slightly. ‘’Did you want him to notice?’’

‘’Maybe, I dunno. I didn’t do it for attention, but I was losing him to her, and it hurt.’’

‘’Did Robert ever tell you he was choosing her?’’ Aaron shook his head. ‘’Do you think Robert was ever lying when he told you he loved you?’’ He shrugged.

‘’Aaron, do you still love Robert?’’

 

 

‘’I want to thank you for coming to this session today Aaron. As you are both aware, I have spoken to Robert in multiple private sessions, and I have spoken to Aaron once on his own. For the purposes of this session today, I have invited Aaron to sit and listen, but he will not be allowed to speak. This hour is for Robert to say what he feels he needs to say. At the end of today Aaron, you will go home and think about what you have heard. If you have something you wish to say in response, you are welcome to return and Robert will sit and listen, but will not speak. Is everyone ready?’’

Robert nodded slowly, before risking a glance at Aaron, who looked as though he wanted to run. Truth be told, Aaron did want to run after his previous session with Helen, but it never solved his problems before. Letting out a breath, he nodded as well.

‘’Robert, why don’t you tell Aaron what you told me in our last session.’’

Robert hesitated, and he could feel Aaron’s eyes burning into him, so he resolutely stared at his hands, unable to meet his gaze.

‘’I wish…..I wish Aaron had ended it with me the night I told him about Rebecca.’’

Aaron instantly opened his mouth to protest, but before any words could come, Helen raised her hand gently to silence him.

‘’Why do you wish for that Robert?’’

‘’I don’t think he stayed with me out of love, or forgiveness. He just didn’t want to let Rebecca win.’’

‘’And why do you think that?’’

‘’He was embarrassed. She had said so many times that she could have me, that our relationship didn’t matter, and he didn’t want to prove her right. ’’

Aaron itched to speak, the need overwhelming him, but he knew the session would end immediately if he opened his mouth, so he kept quiet.

‘’Did your relationship with Aaron matter to you Robert?’’

‘’More than anything.’’

‘’More than Rebecca?’’ Robert nodded, smiling softly, and he could sense Aaron’s nerves from the other side of the room.

'‘This might be an ironic metaphor I guess, given the events that led me here in the first place.’’

‘’Say it anyway.’’ Helen encouraged.

‘’Aaron has this flame in his eyes, and in his heart. It burns so brightly that everyone else is left in the shade. Rebecca, she was only ever ashes, but Aaron, he was the whole fire.’’

‘’He’s changed what fire represents for you?’’

‘’He changed everything.’’

Robert risked a glance at Aaron, and he saw it then; the flame, still flickering even through the tears in his eyes.

‘’And how has your relationship with Aaron been since your marriage ended?’’

‘’Confusing.’’ Robert admitted. ‘’I don’t know where I stand with him.’’

‘’Can you explain to Aaron the ways in which you are confused?’’

‘’I keep my distance and he makes the effort to talk to me, but I try to explain my feelings to him, or support him in my own idiotic attempt, and he pushes me away. I don’t know what he wants from me. I feel like….’’

‘’Go on Robert.’’

‘’I feel like he only wants me when I’m not there, but when I am there he just wants to punish me all over again, not that I don’t deserve it.’’

‘’Robert, can you explain to Aaron what you told me about love, and how you feel it has to be earned.’’

He took a deep breath. He knew what was coming, where Helen would lead him, and he could feel the vibrations of the words he had yet to say pulsing across his skin.

‘’I never felt worthy of Aaron’s love. He’s good and kind, and I never deserved it. I tried, I really tried to earn it, but I couldn’t do it.’’

‘’Why do you feel like you never earned it?’’

‘’Because I was never able to prove that my sexuality didn’t matter, that I loved just him and nobody else, male or female.’’

‘’You didn’t feel your sexuality was accepted?’’ Robert shook his head. He could feel the tension radiating off Aaron in the corner, but he refused to meet his gaze.

‘’How did that make you feel?’’

‘’Like I was fifteen again.’’ He didn’t have to say anymore, the small gasp from the corner seat enough to let him know that Aaron got it.

‘’No, that’s not fair.’’ Aaron butted in, but Helen silenced him again before he could say more.

‘’Aaron, the condition of this session is that you remain silent. We will have to end it if you speak again.’’ She said firmly. She looked back at Robert.

‘’Did you ever give Aaron cause to doubt your commitment to him?’’

‘’All the time’’ Robert admitted sadly. ‘’But never intentionally. I just wanted a friend, I thought Reb…I thought she was a friend.’’ He edited, her name causing his skin to blister.

‘’And when you found out she was pregnant, did your commitment to Aaron change?’’

‘’Not for one second.’’

‘’Do you think having her in close proximity was hard for him?’’ Robert nodded. ‘’But you tried to protect him from her, from the baby?’’

‘’Always.’’

‘’His mental health was suffering as a result of the baby. He returned to cutting himself, yes?’’ Robert was stunned. Aaron had clearly told her more than he had thought.

‘’Yes, it was my fault, but I wanted to help him get better, I would have done anything.’’

‘’And you were willing to move away from your home, move to Ireland to help him, correct?’’

‘’I loved him. I never wanted her or the baby. I chose him. I may not have always shown it, but I always chose him.’’

‘’So what happened?’’

‘’He never chose me back.’’

He didn’t need to look up, didn’t need to see the expression on Aaron’s face to know how he was feeling. The slam of the door echoing around the room, and the empty chair in the corner told him everything he needed to know.

 

 

His lungs were burning, his feet were blistered, but he didn’t care. He needed to feel the pain, feel the release of everything that had built up over that hour spent listening to Robert blame himself for everything. Hearing him say that Aaron didn’t love him ripped into him like a knife. Was that really how he felt all those months, that he was failing a test, that Aaron’s love for him was dependent on how much time he put in, and if he didn’t put enough effort in he wouldn’t get the full amount? He looked up, his breathing beginning to stabilise, and he saw where he was. Wiley’s barn. It was a shell now, burned to a crisp, and Aaron still didn’t know why Robert had come here. Why, in the middle of October would Robert have sought sanctuary in this place? Then it hit him, and his legs buckled underneath him as he let the tears flow.

 

 

‘’Hi Robert, how are you today?’’

‘’I feel okay, actually. Better than I thought I would.’’

Helen took a deep breath, and he knew. In that instant, he knew.

‘’He’s not coming back is he?’’

‘’He phoned me last night and has declined to return to another joint session. I’m sorry Robert, I really am.’’

‘’It’s okay, sometimes people just get the love they deserve.’’ Robert said sadly as he twirled his ring around his finger.

‘’And sometimes, the love they deserve isn’t quite ready to be handed over, but that doesn’t mean it won’t come.’’ Helen replied softly. ‘’So, what would you like to talk about today?’’

 

 

It was a strange sensation, seeing the garage this early in the morning, mist still swirling around it, hours to go before Cain or Dan would trudge up the short stone drive and fling open the doors and the smell of fuel and grease would fill he air. Robert breathed in the crisp air, his lungs filling to capacity.

‘’Hard to believe this was only a year ago.’’

Aaron’s footsteps edged closer to him, the noise of boot on gravel stopping as they stood shoulder to shoulder.

‘’You couldn’t sleep either?’’ Robert asked softly.

‘’Not today.’’

‘’I should go, I don’t really know why I’m here.’’

‘’Stay, for five minutes. I’ll make us a brew.’’ Aaron had that look in his eyes, the one that even on his deathbed Robert would be unable to refuse, so he nodded slowly and followed Aaron into the garage.

 

_‘’I promise to be faithful.’’_

_‘’I never had this with anyone before.’’_

_‘’To make you happy.’’_

_‘’To never let you down ever again.’’_

_‘’I’ll keep trying to be better for you.’’_

_‘’Be the best husband I can be.’’_

_‘’You deserve it.’’_

 

‘’The things we said to each other, they were real, weren’t they?’’

Aaron was perched against the desk in the office, his hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee. He was watching Robert intently, wondering if he had been thinking the same thing, which evidently he had been.

‘’They were real.’’ Robert admitted sadly as he looked around the darkened garage. ‘’Not exactly the fairy tale people dream of is it? Having all your important moments in a dusty old garage.’’ He smiled.

‘’I guess not,’’ Aaron replied, ‘’but when did we ever say we were a fairy tale?’’

‘’Brothers Grimm more like.’’ Robert chuckled in response.

‘’Robert, Home Farm?’’

‘’Wasn't real. It was only ever a distraction from you.’’

‘’I’m sorry I didn’t come back.’’

‘’I know why you didn’t, and it’s okay. And you must know, I wasn’t comparing you to dad when I said…’’

‘’I know.’’

They locked eyes and Robert could feel the weight of unspoken words bubbling around him. He had to leave. Putting his mug down, he was stopped by the hand on his arm.

‘’Stay.’’

Robert looked down at Aaron’s hand, placed firmly over his. He felt him rise from his seat and tentatively step forward, his hand running slowly up Robert’s arm. They were inches from each other now, and Robert could feel the heat and nerves radiating off Aaron. He wanted to move, wanted to run, but his feet felt welded to the floor.

Before he could register it, Aaron’s lips were on his, the all too familiar warmth and softness overwhelming his senses. He stumbled backwards against the wall as Aaron continued to crush their lips together, demanding everything from Robert that he had to give. He could feel himself giving in, all the love he had buried down over the past few months rising to the surface again, but as Aaron reached for his belt buckle, Robert’s guilt took over, and he pushed him away. Edging around Aaron, avoiding his gaze, he tried to escape the room.

‘’I have to go, this was a mistake.’’

‘’Robert?’’

‘’I’m sorry I never gave you the life I promised you Aaron.’’ He was so close to the door now, he couldn’t turn back.

‘’No you’re wrong, you promised me messed up forever. That’s what this is, that’s what I want. Come back here and keep your word Robert.’’

‘’I can’t, I’m sorry.’’

The slam of the garage door echoed off the walls, and Aaron was left alone.

 

_Robert, it’s me._

_Rob, please pick up._

_I know why you were at the barn that day; please I want to talk._

_Robert, I want you to meet me at the barn at 5pm on Friday. If you come, I’ll know. If you don’t come, you’ve stopped choosing me, and I’ll accept it._

 

Robert replayed the last message over and over, and he glanced at the clock one more time: 4:59. The cottage was silent, Vic at work, and the usual hum of activity that could be heard outside as people made their way home had not yet started. He wondered if Aaron was waiting there for him now, and ached to go to him, but he was rooted to the safety of Keepers. At 5pm on the button, a knock at the door roused him from his thoughts. He opened the door, and there he was.

 

Aaron.

 

‘’I knew you wouldn’t come as soon as I asked.’’

'‘You said you’d accept it?’’

‘’I was lying.’’

‘’I couldn’t do it to you.’’

‘’You know, a few months ago, I would have said it was because you don’t love me, that you don’t choose me, but that’s not true is it?’’

Robert said nothing, but his eyes flickered with indescribable emotions, and Aaron pressed on.

‘’You thought when I left that session that you were losing me again didn’t you? So you didn’t come, because you’ve fought so many times for me and lost, and you don’t think you have the strength to risk that again.’’ Robert nodded.

‘’That’s okay, because I’m strong enough for the both of us, to fight for both of us.’’ Aaron took a determined step through the door of Keepers, stopping inches from him.

‘’I forgave you a long time ago. You need to forgive yourself. Let me help you. Let me love you Robert, the way you deserve to be loved.’’

‘’Aaron...’’

‘’Robert, my heart was never something you had to earn, it was yours, always yours. I should have made that clear every moment of every day.’’

In one small step, Aaron bridged the gap, and took Robert’s hands in his own. He placed them on his own waist, and took Robert’s face in his own hands.

‘’There’s very few things I love, but you and my sister, you top the list.’’

Robert was floored, his heart thumping in his chest so hard that he was surprised Aaron couldn’t hear it.

‘’She told you?’’

‘’I saw it on her phone, she fell asleep with the message still open.’’

‘’I don’t know what to do next.’’ Robert said softly.

‘’Yes, you do.’’ Aaron replied.

Robert took a breath. He would need all his oxygen for this. He inched closer to Aaron, his hands wrapping tighter around his husband’s body, and he hovered, waiting for the flicker in Aaron’s eyes that told him he would change his mind. But it didn’t come. Not for one second. So Robert kissed him, Aaron’s lips anchoring him to the ground as they pushed against each other, warmth radiating through their bodies despite the chill coming from the still open door.

 

 

‘’Can I ask you something?’’

They were sitting on Vic’s sofa, Aaron huddled in the crook of Robert’s arm under a massive blanket, the cold still evident in the room, even with the heating on.

‘’Anything.’’ Robert replied softly.

‘’Did you mean it, when you said that I didn’t accept your sexuality?’’ Aaron’s voice was quiet, laced with uncertainty, and Robert could feel his breath turn raspy.

‘’I guess at times, yea. I know I didn’t make it easy, kept Rebecca around when I shouldn’t have.’’

‘’But you liked having her as a friend.’’ Aaron finished.

‘’I was selfish, to keep pushing her down your throat.’’

‘’I was selfish too.’’ Aaron admitted shyly. ‘’I just wanted you all to myself.’’

‘’You had me.’’ Aaron looked up at him, that same uncertainty swimming in his eyes. ‘’You know that, right?’’

‘’I didn’t accept it, not really.’’

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’I was scared to really accept that you were bisexual because it would mean accepting that everyone felt they stood a chance with you. And that one day you would see that too.’’

‘’Aaron…’’

‘’You could have anyone Robert, and I still don’t know why you chose me.’’

‘’Because you’re the only one who sets my heart on fire Aaron.’’

Aaron’s heart fluttered wildly at Robert’s words, and suddenly he felt as though he wasn’t close enough to him. Aaron pulled himself even tighter to his chest, linking his fingers through Robert’s, the cold of his wedding ring an indescribable comfort to him.

‘’You went back to the barn when you found out about Rebecca. It was the anniversary.’’

‘’That’s what you’d call it?’’ Robert asked lightly.

‘’What would you have said to me that day?’’

‘’What?’’

‘’In the barn, if I hadn’t kidnapped Lachlan and you actually got to propose, what would you have said?’’

‘’I can’t tell you.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’Why do you think?’’

Aaron watched Robert intently, watched the emotions flicker across his face like candlelight, and suddenly, it clicked.

‘’You might eventually want the chance to say those things to me again one day?’’

‘’Maybe.’’

‘’Well I know you hate spoilers, but if that day ever comes, I may just say yes.’’

Robert tried and failed miserably to hide his grin. Shuffling further down the blanket, he kissed Aaron softly on the lips before resting his head on Aaron’s shoulder.

‘’That spoiler, I like.’’

**Author's Note:**

> I'd give my left arm for these boys to actually sit and have a proper conversation, maybe one day...


End file.
